Day 11 (Not academic... but exploring a writing concept)

EXPLANATION: I went to start my freewriting and an idea I had this past summer popped into my head again (to write from my husband's point of view beyond the grave) so I pushed it aside, and looked up different things for my research paper then the movie on the TV ended and the next show on was Ghost (with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze) So I decided to go with it for my freewriting... and here it is.I was haunted, my mind was haunted by ghosts of my past, fears for my family’s future, and what would become of me. My body was haunted, it seemed I would get over one ailment only to discover another one hidden in the wake. That night had not been any different then others I had felt liking spending with the whole family, except that it would be my last. Now don’t read anything extra into that. It was not my choice to leave them, it just happened, by a dumb mistake of my own doing. Ask my wife, it was a constant strain on our marriage, did you take too much of this medication? This is the one you have allergic reactions to. There are more gone then there should be. When I am not in pain constantly I will be the first to admit I may have occasionally taken an extra pain killer to take the edge… which would once in a while lead to a couple more too many. But not this night. It was just dumb luck. At work that day I had another episode… an anxiety attack, I hurried home and took another anti anxiety to take the edge off before all the kids got home so I wasn’t short with them. Then the pain in my gut acted up again, so I took a painkiller, but after a couple hours it still hadn’t kicked in, so I took another one… the fatal one I am certain of it. We all fell asleep watching a movie, Harry Potter to be ready for the next movie to come out next week. My hair was getting long, so I had her shave my hair, I could have done without the teasing about the thinning hair, but I liked it when she shaved my hair… she did it for me. She finished and we kicked the kids off the big bean bag, it was my favourite place to sleep. She laid by me and I teased her with a bite instead of a kiss and told her I loved her, with a growl. That was the last time I touched her, kissed her, said anything to her. I remember brief sounds, kids rushing off to school, but it was fuzzy. Almost like I was watching a bad video or something, once in a while it would come in clear, but quickly vanish. I think she just kept telling herself I was fine, I think I did too. But then it was even more fuzzy, not only was it cutting in and out… but I was watching her, and myself. She was sleeping, I looked as if that was what I was doing. But I looked nothing like myself, I was stiff, awkward… dead. At the same moment I realized this, I think she did to. She jumped up crying. Screaming. Then I heard someone else arrive inside, no not heard, saw. I was there at the door, but then I was back looking at what was once me. There were tears streaking both their faces as the listened to the muffled sounds coming from her phone. Again someone arrived, they just walked in and down the stairs, pushing them aside. I reached to hold her, to comfort her as I had so many times before, but she was so unnaturally distant. They sent her upstairs, she didn’t move, I tried to lead her, but it was useless. Someone else had to do it. They asked her questions, I tried to answer for her, but they didn’t listen. I tried to hold her when they said I was gone. I don’t think I realized then it was me they were talking about. It was later I realized I would not have been so peaceful had I truly been there… but there was an unusual calm… one I tried to share with her, but she just yelled, screamed, cried, walked, ran, fell, stood up, shook. I am not sure who it was harder for. Me watching helplessly, or her having to face such an array of emotions on her own. I never felt the whole life flash by image you hear so often, it was more of a quiet passing, I didn’t even realize it had taken place until little things finally fit into place. The looking at myself, the peaceful feeling, the frantic reaction of her, the inability to comfort her. It was after the news spread, and people from all aspects of my life began filtering in to offer her comfort. Old neighbors, new ones. Old friends, my family, her family.