Day 13

I figured I would hurry and get my free write done here before I am off to yet another child's pain in the ass activity... I hate doing everything ALONE. At least before we could divide the pain in the ass crap... the recorder performance, the lame scout pack meeting with the cheesy claps, the out of tune choir concert... I love being there for the kids, but try to make it to two things in one night at different places at the same time, alone. Yep that is where I am at. As for the free writing assignment, I have come to the conclusion, that while I truly have written SOMETHING daily for the free write, it is a pain in the butt to try to recall where I wrote it and collect it on here, so it is easier to simply write freely for at least 10 minutes while I gather my thoughts, practice writing, and set myself up for my half assed effort at writing. I will hopefully eventually gather all my little tidbits on this here blog so you can see I am not just making up some lame story about doing this when I really haven't. (that only happened a couple times... like when I got access to Pottermore, but it was kinda lame, so I think I am over that for the moment)Now for my academic paper... I am going along with the idea that I will be writing on my lame Harry Potter Idea I stole because I came up with blanks, however if I can get ANY answer from the professor whose class I took over the summer and totally blew off the final paper accounting for half my grade, and he agrees to still mercifully give me a grade change if I complete this assignment and can use the paper for both classes... I will be changing topics. (I am hoping but not totally delusional and I am not getting my hopes up... but on the plus side if he gets my email and responds positively I will not have to retake the class...)Ok the problem with trying to get my writing done before the middle of the night.. random friends like to just stop by to check on me... then I get talking because that whole lack of adult communication thing I have going on, and it puts off my writing and school work even further... I get they are trying to be nice and help... but don't talk... do the dishes or something productive like that that I can't seem to get the 5 teens living in my house to do... Ok... I have written for much longer than ten minutes.. see how once I get going it is hard to stop me... now let's see if I can use this productively when I return from the cheesy clapping scout thing I must attend ALONE.

Day 12ish...

So this week has been awful... and I really could not say why. I was constantly tired, cried myself to sleep and had little or no desire to write. I wrote a couple short paragraphs on some of my blogs, and worked on an assignment for a class. The assignment went ok, but I could feel that it was much more difficult to come up with what to write, or any kind of inspiration either. I felt that with the continued practice of freewriting, ANYTHING, whether academic in nature or not, it improved my writing, both creatively and academically. SO in order to see what I did write minimally, look at my other blogs... and I will post a copy of my paper on as the next post. I did however do lots of research... it filled the time I tried to write. I found a couple of really great articles for my paper. Also I have written a professor I took a class from this summer, and never finished the paper from it, he was very generous and even gave me an extension, and I wasted that generosity. I think I had taken on too much too soon with what I was going through, and while I had hoped to be able to complete the paper in the time off from classes, I took what was a much needed break from school to focus on my household before they returned to school. So anyway, I have written him to see if there is anyway to use this opportunity for practicing to write academically and submit the paper still... my other option is retaking the class, and I figured it couldn't hurt to ask right? So if he will permit me to submit this at the end of the term towards my summer class so I can avoid retaking this, I will change my topic... otherwise I will stick to the topic of Harry Potter... which may not prove a good choice because I keep justifying pottermore, and virtual hogwarts writing as research and freewriting... (In some ways it certainly does count... as long as something comes of it right?) so here it goes!!!

Day 11

So I created a new blog for my academic writing and free writing. I was going to keep my free writing on my creative writing blog, but decided I like seeing this flow of writing as it comes to mind fill in the posts I post links on... that reminds me, I tried to get my blogger link thingy on and it didn't work... chrome must have a different way to do it, or I must just be lame. I will work on it some more, or simply ask Crane tomorrow. I am certain I will be writing my academic paper on Harry Potter, Although I am not sure I will write it as a comparison to pop culture anymore. I found an awesome list of nearly every possible archetype. And reading through that I could tie nearly everyone to one book or another or the entire series. Some were a little bit of a stretch...http://www.scribd.com/doc/18171537/Archetypes-to-help-with-literary-analysisSo there it is. I am also working on a paper for yet another class tonight so I will post my draft in here, to further prove all my writing I have been doing. I wonder if the freewriting is as effective online as it is freehand in a notebook. I find my brain thinks faster than my fingers can type. This weekend I attended a widow/widowers conference on parenting alone... not sure if it was the best idea... but I felt alone, even there in the midst of nearly 100 other who have gone through what I am going through... so I pulled out a paper and pen and wrote (there was no wifi connection to play with my ipad) and I felt like I was able to keep up with my thoughts much quicker... although it was illegible. Oh well there are my thoughts for the night.

Day 11 (Not academic... but exploring a writing concept)

EXPLANATION: I went to start my freewriting and an idea I had this past summer popped into my head again (to write from my husband's point of view beyond the grave) so I pushed it aside, and looked up different things for my research paper then the movie on the TV ended and the next show on was Ghost (with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze) So I decided to go with it for my freewriting... and here it is.I was haunted, my mind was haunted by ghosts of my past, fears for my family’s future, and what would become of me. My body was haunted, it seemed I would get over one ailment only to discover another one hidden in the wake. That night had not been any different then others I had felt liking spending with the whole family, except that it would be my last. Now don’t read anything extra into that. It was not my choice to leave them, it just happened, by a dumb mistake of my own doing. Ask my wife, it was a constant strain on our marriage, did you take too much of this medication? This is the one you have allergic reactions to. There are more gone then there should be. When I am not in pain constantly I will be the first to admit I may have occasionally taken an extra pain killer to take the edge… which would once in a while lead to a couple more too many. But not this night. It was just dumb luck. At work that day I had another episode… an anxiety attack, I hurried home and took another anti anxiety to take the edge off before all the kids got home so I wasn’t short with them. Then the pain in my gut acted up again, so I took a painkiller, but after a couple hours it still hadn’t kicked in, so I took another one… the fatal one I am certain of it. We all fell asleep watching a movie, Harry Potter to be ready for the next movie to come out next week. My hair was getting long, so I had her shave my hair, I could have done without the teasing about the thinning hair, but I liked it when she shaved my hair… she did it for me. She finished and we kicked the kids off the big bean bag, it was my favourite place to sleep. She laid by me and I teased her with a bite instead of a kiss and told her I loved her, with a growl. That was the last time I touched her, kissed her, said anything to her. I remember brief sounds, kids rushing off to school, but it was fuzzy. Almost like I was watching a bad video or something, once in a while it would come in clear, but quickly vanish. I think she just kept telling herself I was fine, I think I did too. But then it was even more fuzzy, not only was it cutting in and out… but I was watching her, and myself. She was sleeping, I looked as if that was what I was doing. But I looked nothing like myself, I was stiff, awkward… dead. At the same moment I realized this, I think she did to. She jumped up crying. Screaming. Then I heard someone else arrive inside, no not heard, saw. I was there at the door, but then I was back looking at what was once me. There were tears streaking both their faces as the listened to the muffled sounds coming from her phone. Again someone arrived, they just walked in and down the stairs, pushing them aside. I reached to hold her, to comfort her as I had so many times before, but she was so unnaturally distant. They sent her upstairs, she didn’t move, I tried to lead her, but it was useless. Someone else had to do it. They asked her questions, I tried to answer for her, but they didn’t listen. I tried to hold her when they said I was gone. I don’t think I realized then it was me they were talking about. It was later I realized I would not have been so peaceful had I truly been there… but there was an unusual calm… one I tried to share with her, but she just yelled, screamed, cried, walked, ran, fell, stood up, shook. I am not sure who it was harder for. Me watching helplessly, or her having to face such an array of emotions on her own. I never felt the whole life flash by image you hear so often, it was more of a quiet passing, I didn’t even realize it had taken place until little things finally fit into place. The looking at myself, the peaceful feeling, the frantic reaction of her, the inability to comfort her. It was after the news spread, and people from all aspects of my life began filtering in to offer her comfort. Old neighbors, new ones. Old friends, my family, her family.

Day 10 (exploring my topic)

Harry PotterLiterature or Pop Culture? Harry Potter came into the literary scene in the 90’s captivating young readers who have followed him on his hero’s journey for more than a decade, through 7 books, 8 films and now an online game, as well as several fan fiction sites. Is there any true literary value to the series? Is it merely a passing literary phase? Is there one book in the series that can fit as a literary classic? If we look at Harry Potter through the eyes of an archetypal hero on his journey of self discovery we see there is a character, or event that fits neatly into all of those classic archetypes. Start with Harry, our young protagonist. He was born under unusual circumstances, a prophesy foretold of his birth, and he the antagonist tried to kill him, leaving him an orphan… all key elements for the archetypal hero. He has an old, white haired mentor who directs him and hints at what he must learn and confront on this journey. He has an evil enemy he must fight on this journey. He has companions who help him on his journey. He encounters many trials and even some mythological creatures… what could get more archetypal than that? But as far as pop culture… what classifies something as purely pop culture? A trend that comes to an end? Well the Harry Potter fan base has yet to come to an end, but even some classic literature still has a fan base.

Day 9

Talk about spewing word vomit all over a paper. I have been writing in all forms nonstop for the last couple hours. I wrote some ideas for a thesis on Harry Potter and tried to draw it out into a paper. I wrote on some of my blogs (including this one) I also wrote a page and a half on something I have considered writing for a couple months, which has turned out to be really therapeutic. I had the idea of writing what my husband was thinking from where ever he might be, and what he thinks looking down, so to speak, on us and how we are doing. I was afraid it would be too emotional, and not good, but I did not sob as I have in the past writing my thoughts. It was good to think of what he was thinking. I made me think how he did, in a more practical sense. the idea came from one of the last books he and I both read, The Lovely Bones. We both discussed i lots, and had the same opinion on it. that the idea of the book was great and an interesting point of veiw, although we did not like how it ended, and felt it set us up for a fight that never came. So how is this for odd... I am talking of how I am writing this view of my husband passing from his side, and I always have something going for background noise, whether it is the TV, or radio, and what comes on TV... Ghost, with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore... kinda creepy. Well I realize that this writing here is NOT academic, but it is writing whatever comes to mind and it is practice for writing, and I have been doing research and some academic writing on a word program... and will post them if needed, but I like the idea of this random free writing before starting on my academic (and after as well if I want to play catch up)

Day 8

So incase you haven't noticed I am really behind in this daily writing thing... I could cheat and make it look as though I have been on it, although the posts magically all appear at the same time, with different dates... but I won't. So it makes me rethink my writing schedule. Is it adequate, does it allow for flexibility? Maybe that is the problem, I think I need more flexibility, when what I really need is structure. So how am I going to get that? Perhaps if I plan for "me" time both early in the morning as well as at night I can be certain to write during one or the other? I think my major problem with it is the fact that it is academic, a form of writing I do not enjoy and really avoid. I don't think it is so much because I dislike it, but more because I am not as good at it. before when I was in school I truly enjoyed the academic writing, I liked the research, making my own interpretations, and I felt I did them well. Now I feel I am so out of that habit of writing academically, I am not good at it, nor do I enjoy it. So how do I get to where I enjoy it? Perhaps start by finding a topic I enjoy? The more I think on this I think I am going to steal others ideas for writing on Harry Potter for a few reasons. Right now it is not something too personal I am dealing with, it is something I enjoy, and it is also something I feel I know very well. One professor I had suggested writing our thoughts first and then fill in with the research to expand. I think this road to writing could work in this manner for my project. SO here it goes...

Also I am going to try leaving myself time for writing in the morning as well as at night, so if I miss it in the morning I can make it up at night. That leaves me available for flexibility like cleaning up for a sick kid... and catching up on sleep.

Day 7

Thank goodness I started this assignment early, so I was able to keep up on it. I have been far too emotional to do any kind of writing, academic or otherwise. I guess that is kinda a total contradiction of what I said earlier in class this week. But I have sat down thinking I was ready to write, not only for this daily writing assignment, but for other classes writing as well, even planning on writing in my family blog to catch up on a few things for family that is out of state. But each time I would try to begin, I lost it. I got distracted, wrote something not appropriate, cried, got angry. I have collapsed in sleep from exhaustion, and then I have slept so much I can not sleep any more. I realize this has not been very academic in content, but I think it fits into the writing daily. As well as what Silvia said to wait actively. I had to calm myself down enough so I could focus on some writing with a purpose. Writing that made some kind of sense. I have also realized although many times when we write it is required writing, no matter what the topic, if there is no desire or interest in the subject, it makes it all the harder to write. I had been considering writing a paper I never completed for a summer class for my writing, but realized aside from all the various issues that came up preventing me from taking the necessary time to write it, because it was to be on a topic that held no interest for me it was tough to begin, let alone complete. So now with a little more sleep, and my emotions in check I was able to get my thoughts on writing down much more adequately. Also I was looking at the back of one of the books we are reading and saw Stephen King's book On Writing as a suggested book on writing. I have read that for a creative writing class, and was a little surprised it was recommended in an academic writing book. So I went down to my book shelf and glanced through it again. It surprised me how similar the suggestions for writing academically and creatively are. I think what surprised me about it is that I find creative writing much easier. Although my creative writing I am most proud of only came about when I let some of my real life slip onto the pages. SO perhaps that classifies more in the nonfiction category.

Day 6

So we suggested topics a couple days ago and mine were kinda pathetic... not gonna lie... I think I am too emotional right now to attempt anything on death or grief, and my other ideas were just a poor attempt to grasp at anything... so what do you do next? You steal an idea. I loved the Harry Potter Ideas people mentioned... and since it was mentioned by more than one classmate is it really stealing? more like borrowing right? Well I figured I might take it on weighing in on whether it is Literary or simply pop culture... I think there is a very strong argument for both. I think it might be an interesting one to tackle, and one I think I can do fairly well. (and I can maybe slide a couple responses on my total geeky writing forum Virtual Hogwarts and count it as daily research writing right?)

So exploring Harry Potter, what would classify it as a literary work? It follows the classics archetypes near exact! I think if you look hard enough there is even some symbolism in it as well.

Day 5

Writing... it is something I enjoy and dread all in one. I love to write when I am feeling emotional, angry, sad, upset, happy, excited... but when I need to explore or learn something, I research it, I look it up on line, I ask friends and family, and fellow classmates their opinion, or their knowledge on the subject. So I was thinking could writing be a way to research? I think yes, but it would depend also on the type of research or subject you want to explore. I think in self searching you can write to discover things about yourself, you can write to explore your thoughts on a subject. If you are felling conflicted about different choices, or options, don't friends or counselors tell us to write out the pros and cons? So can you research that way? can you write pros and cons to discover information on something. Let's try it out... one of my topic ideas was grief, which would be more a nonfiction type idea, so is there enough to to it to make it an academic writing project? I can use my blog/journal I have kept since losing my husband. I can compare it to the stages of death I have heard in school and from many grief counselors, I can compare it with others grief, C.S. Lewis wrote about losing his wife in a grief observed, it can act as research. I have received letters in dealing and coping with grief from the cemetery, I can use. I can talk to the carious grief counselors we have met. I can talk to other widows.

SO what about another subject I have considered... building on a current paper, The Sex Of the Writer (see one of the earlier posts on this blog for original paper). Is this a topic I could expand on? I could do more research, I could quiz fellow students, and more outside of school. I could look into more authors, popular and less known. I could talk to others for their opinion. Perhaps someone has looked into this before. In the original paper I asked if the sex of the writer had an influence on the sex of the reader, or do female readers mostly read female writers, and male readers read male writers...

I guess writing truly helps draw out the ideas... but not so much the research... you have to look outside your self for that a bit more... but I think it is definitely a research tool.

Day 4

So I should feel guilty I slacked the last couple days, but I don't. I have been far to emotional to write any kind of academic post. Even a nonfiction about my life. I would end up simply crying on the key board and probably ruining my ancient computer. However that being said, I am certain there is going to be some emotion leaking into this post because today was my 17th anniversary, and the first one I have had to spend without him. I am still really liking the idea of working on a nonfiction writing of dealing with this grief thing, however I am finding with several of my classes there is going to be several papers involved, so perhaps best to keep it more academic and save the nonfiction for a nonfiction writing class. (If you have read thus far and have any input on the matter, advice would be appreciated) So also not only writing due for current classes, I have a paper I have put off from summer that I truly want to finish and my professor is still willing to work with me (miraculously, maybe because of the chaos my life seems to constantly be in, in one way or another). While I am deciding for certain which to work on I will continue to toy with the idea of nonfiction and dealing with grief. On a side note kinda, I have already seen improvement in some of my writing, in that it come faster, and I think in more understandable terms since I have been writing daily.

Day 3

I know this is not going to be an academic post, but technically this assignment has not started yet, and also if I continue with the idea of a nonfiction writing on dealing with my grief this is a HUGE day. I used to love Labor Day weekend, it almost always hit the same time as our anniversary so it was nice to have time off and an excuse to get away without kids. Now I find myself annoyed with kids and simply wanting to escape anywhere. So my question is how do I escape the memories of what could have been when the sorrow is so fresh and haunts me? Do you embrace the good memories even if it brings tears, or do you try to keep busy keeping your mind from wandering to the point where you feel the tears fighting to bring themselves to the surface? SO what am I doing? I am pretending to do homework using this assignment as an excuse to vocalize my thoughts and sort through my emotions in the best way I can. I am going to try to sort through some of the things I have put off since I lost him embracing the memories instead of avoiding them. I am going to be there for my kids in their activities with a strong front hiding the pain, as I so often find myself doing.

Day 2

So here goes day two and my attempt to make it more academic. I am thinking if I try for a more nonfiction life story it might be a good topic. After all I am quite certain my life has got to be a little out of the ordinary. Perhaps I can write on how I have dealt with the loss of my spouse. I know it helped to read C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed. Perhaps a more current approach would be beneficial to not only myself, but others who are going through it as well. Of course I am only a recent widow whenI talk to others I have met that have lost someone as well. It will be 10 months on the 12. I have not even hit all the "firsts" without him. The next big first being my anniversary, which is coming up on Tuesday. How do you celebrate the joining of two people when one is no longer here? I am going to try to simply treat as another day, go to all my classes. Maybe I can spoil myself and go out... Alone.

Day 1

For one of my classes we are challenged to write everyday, whether it be in a notebook or online, so I figured I have my blog I keep simply for writing, so why not take advantage of it. So this is now my practice writing blog for the next 4 months or so. I don't know what lame mumbo jumbo will come out, but as I heard, and love, practice makes perfect. If you want to be good at something, it takes practice. I think that is even true in writing... so here is my practice.

THe other reason I choose to write today is I am having one of those days... just bleh. Not motivated for anything, kinda discouraged about other things. I am tired of doing things alone, and I hate stressing about money... and yet that seems to be a top concern. I am so close to finishing up loose ends from Kris passing, taxes, bills, etc. I am waiting on one last thing to finish it, and I just wish it would hurry and get here so I could close this awful chapter of my life and try to move on the best as I can, and focus on the good memories I have with him. I just want the headaches to be over with. And this final one has been dragged out since February when I first filed my taxes and attempted to file my past taxes (that he never did). I am waiting on one last tax return then I can begin to budget things much easier, and plan things... here is hoping it will come sooner than later.

So here is my random writing and scattered thought s that seem to spill out in a form of word vomit in the hopes that it will help me improve my writing, both academically and creative.