Autobiography

Yep, I have decided I am going to write an autobiography. Why Not? I like to write, and I think I am pretty hot shit, who wouldn't want to read about me... I even have a kick ass title... "The average life of a self perceived SUPERSTAR"

I am kinda excited about this project and plan... Now to just find time to write it...

SO one thing I want to include that has fascinated me since having a class on gertrude stein, and also a adolescent psych class is independence vs. dependence. I just think the idea of that is huge, especially in my life...

What a flake...

So I linked this once again to my assignment when I realized, I have not been good about writing on here, and at least pasting the papers I have written on here. I have been writing in various places, a couple papers here and there, and then some personal blogs, catching up on family things, and dealing with the whole widow thing. I think having my writings spread out over so many places it is hard to keep track of it all, which I thought would not be so hardto link everything here... I guess over all it is the effort it takes to do so that I dislike... since I am by nature a lazy person.
I have also hit an ugly place in my writing... I don't like it any more. I used to like the part we we got to write our thoughts, what we learned, etc. or even write some thing creative. But now I find myself looking at it as a daunting task to avoid. I have been wondering if it is this assignment to write daily, or just my lame personal issues. at first this assignment came easy, and now it is such a struggle to do this or anything else. I wonder if  a break from writing was good while I was on vacation. I fell a little more of an urge to write, although I do not feel it is good write per say. Maybe I have just hit that point in my classes I am overwhelmed and avoid writing. Either way it makes me sad something I used to enjoy and looking forward to is now a daunting task.
I now feel i need to somehow find a way out of this rut I find myself trapped in. SO how do I make writing fun again? Now the required writing was never fun if it was a topic I disliked, but it was still a process I could have fun with doing. Well there are my late night musings for now on this whole writing thing, I am going to try for some sleep....

Freewriting assignment week 4

So I have kinda flaked on the freewriting per say... I have however maintained writing nearly everyday (I have missed a day here and there... but if you go by quantity it kinda has averaged out. So I counted freewriting when I replied to a thread on my nerdy website (I am Daryl Dereck)... www.virtual-hogwarts.org (and I counted there are 1,400 words on all those posts from last week.)So that being my freewriting (and at the time went along with my paper... even if it was a stretch) I have also worked on some papers for other classes that I am applying towards my freewriting. Also my bibs were ALL written this week... so while I have been awful at keeping up a regular writing schedule, I have done a good quantity of writing. (I really need to be better about posting it on here throughout the week as I do it, so it doesn't look like I simply pasted them all on here last minute!)

Day 13

I figured I would hurry and get my free write done here before I am off to yet another child's pain in the ass activity... I hate doing everything ALONE. At least before we could divide the pain in the ass crap... the recorder performance, the lame scout pack meeting with the cheesy claps, the out of tune choir concert... I love being there for the kids, but try to make it to two things in one night at different places at the same time, alone. Yep that is where I am at. As for the free writing assignment, I have come to the conclusion, that while I truly have written SOMETHING daily for the free write, it is a pain in the butt to try to recall where I wrote it and collect it on here, so it is easier to simply write freely for at least 10 minutes while I gather my thoughts, practice writing, and set myself up for my half assed effort at writing. I will hopefully eventually gather all my little tidbits on this here blog so you can see I am not just making up some lame story about doing this when I really haven't. (that only happened a couple times... like when I got access to Pottermore, but it was kinda lame, so I think I am over that for the moment)Now for my academic paper... I am going along with the idea that I will be writing on my lame Harry Potter Idea I stole because I came up with blanks, however if I can get ANY answer from the professor whose class I took over the summer and totally blew off the final paper accounting for half my grade, and he agrees to still mercifully give me a grade change if I complete this assignment and can use the paper for both classes... I will be changing topics. (I am hoping but not totally delusional and I am not getting my hopes up... but on the plus side if he gets my email and responds positively I will not have to retake the class...)Ok the problem with trying to get my writing done before the middle of the night.. random friends like to just stop by to check on me... then I get talking because that whole lack of adult communication thing I have going on, and it puts off my writing and school work even further... I get they are trying to be nice and help... but don't talk... do the dishes or something productive like that that I can't seem to get the 5 teens living in my house to do... Ok... I have written for much longer than ten minutes.. see how once I get going it is hard to stop me... now let's see if I can use this productively when I return from the cheesy clapping scout thing I must attend ALONE.

Day 12ish...

So this week has been awful... and I really could not say why. I was constantly tired, cried myself to sleep and had little or no desire to write. I wrote a couple short paragraphs on some of my blogs, and worked on an assignment for a class. The assignment went ok, but I could feel that it was much more difficult to come up with what to write, or any kind of inspiration either. I felt that with the continued practice of freewriting, ANYTHING, whether academic in nature or not, it improved my writing, both creatively and academically. SO in order to see what I did write minimally, look at my other blogs... and I will post a copy of my paper on as the next post. I did however do lots of research... it filled the time I tried to write. I found a couple of really great articles for my paper. Also I have written a professor I took a class from this summer, and never finished the paper from it, he was very generous and even gave me an extension, and I wasted that generosity. I think I had taken on too much too soon with what I was going through, and while I had hoped to be able to complete the paper in the time off from classes, I took what was a much needed break from school to focus on my household before they returned to school. So anyway, I have written him to see if there is anyway to use this opportunity for practicing to write academically and submit the paper still... my other option is retaking the class, and I figured it couldn't hurt to ask right? So if he will permit me to submit this at the end of the term towards my summer class so I can avoid retaking this, I will change my topic... otherwise I will stick to the topic of Harry Potter... which may not prove a good choice because I keep justifying pottermore, and virtual hogwarts writing as research and freewriting... (In some ways it certainly does count... as long as something comes of it right?) so here it goes!!!

Day 11

So I created a new blog for my academic writing and free writing. I was going to keep my free writing on my creative writing blog, but decided I like seeing this flow of writing as it comes to mind fill in the posts I post links on... that reminds me, I tried to get my blogger link thingy on and it didn't work... chrome must have a different way to do it, or I must just be lame. I will work on it some more, or simply ask Crane tomorrow. I am certain I will be writing my academic paper on Harry Potter, Although I am not sure I will write it as a comparison to pop culture anymore. I found an awesome list of nearly every possible archetype. And reading through that I could tie nearly everyone to one book or another or the entire series. Some were a little bit of a stretch...http://www.scribd.com/doc/18171537/Archetypes-to-help-with-literary-analysisSo there it is. I am also working on a paper for yet another class tonight so I will post my draft in here, to further prove all my writing I have been doing. I wonder if the freewriting is as effective online as it is freehand in a notebook. I find my brain thinks faster than my fingers can type. This weekend I attended a widow/widowers conference on parenting alone... not sure if it was the best idea... but I felt alone, even there in the midst of nearly 100 other who have gone through what I am going through... so I pulled out a paper and pen and wrote (there was no wifi connection to play with my ipad) and I felt like I was able to keep up with my thoughts much quicker... although it was illegible. Oh well there are my thoughts for the night.

Day 11 (Not academic... but exploring a writing concept)

EXPLANATION: I went to start my freewriting and an idea I had this past summer popped into my head again (to write from my husband's point of view beyond the grave) so I pushed it aside, and looked up different things for my research paper then the movie on the TV ended and the next show on was Ghost (with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze) So I decided to go with it for my freewriting... and here it is.I was haunted, my mind was haunted by ghosts of my past, fears for my family’s future, and what would become of me. My body was haunted, it seemed I would get over one ailment only to discover another one hidden in the wake. That night had not been any different then others I had felt liking spending with the whole family, except that it would be my last. Now don’t read anything extra into that. It was not my choice to leave them, it just happened, by a dumb mistake of my own doing. Ask my wife, it was a constant strain on our marriage, did you take too much of this medication? This is the one you have allergic reactions to. There are more gone then there should be. When I am not in pain constantly I will be the first to admit I may have occasionally taken an extra pain killer to take the edge… which would once in a while lead to a couple more too many. But not this night. It was just dumb luck. At work that day I had another episode… an anxiety attack, I hurried home and took another anti anxiety to take the edge off before all the kids got home so I wasn’t short with them. Then the pain in my gut acted up again, so I took a painkiller, but after a couple hours it still hadn’t kicked in, so I took another one… the fatal one I am certain of it. We all fell asleep watching a movie, Harry Potter to be ready for the next movie to come out next week. My hair was getting long, so I had her shave my hair, I could have done without the teasing about the thinning hair, but I liked it when she shaved my hair… she did it for me. She finished and we kicked the kids off the big bean bag, it was my favourite place to sleep. She laid by me and I teased her with a bite instead of a kiss and told her I loved her, with a growl. That was the last time I touched her, kissed her, said anything to her. I remember brief sounds, kids rushing off to school, but it was fuzzy. Almost like I was watching a bad video or something, once in a while it would come in clear, but quickly vanish. I think she just kept telling herself I was fine, I think I did too. But then it was even more fuzzy, not only was it cutting in and out… but I was watching her, and myself. She was sleeping, I looked as if that was what I was doing. But I looked nothing like myself, I was stiff, awkward… dead. At the same moment I realized this, I think she did to. She jumped up crying. Screaming. Then I heard someone else arrive inside, no not heard, saw. I was there at the door, but then I was back looking at what was once me. There were tears streaking both their faces as the listened to the muffled sounds coming from her phone. Again someone arrived, they just walked in and down the stairs, pushing them aside. I reached to hold her, to comfort her as I had so many times before, but she was so unnaturally distant. They sent her upstairs, she didn’t move, I tried to lead her, but it was useless. Someone else had to do it. They asked her questions, I tried to answer for her, but they didn’t listen. I tried to hold her when they said I was gone. I don’t think I realized then it was me they were talking about. It was later I realized I would not have been so peaceful had I truly been there… but there was an unusual calm… one I tried to share with her, but she just yelled, screamed, cried, walked, ran, fell, stood up, shook. I am not sure who it was harder for. Me watching helplessly, or her having to face such an array of emotions on her own. I never felt the whole life flash by image you hear so often, it was more of a quiet passing, I didn’t even realize it had taken place until little things finally fit into place. The looking at myself, the peaceful feeling, the frantic reaction of her, the inability to comfort her. It was after the news spread, and people from all aspects of my life began filtering in to offer her comfort. Old neighbors, new ones. Old friends, my family, her family.